(Satire) - President Obama on Thursday cited the latest revelation from ISIS that the downing of a Russian plane over Egypt last month was the result of an explosive device planted inside a can of Schweppes Gold soft drink as proof positive that his counter-terrorism strategy, consisting of an all out war against soft drink consumption, is working and keeping Americans safe from ISIS attacks.
Mr. Obama added that the downing of the Russian airliner could have been averted had the Russian government adopted his soft drink strategy.
"My administration has taken a leading role in reducing soft drink consumption both here in the US and all across the globe," the President proclaimed during a speech to the advocacy group, The Coalition to Defeat and Degrade Sugary Soft Drinks. "Sweet beverages," the President asserted, "pose a dire threat not only to Global security but to the human physique as well."
Mr. Obama added in an unequivocal and rather bellicose tone: "Contrary to the disingenuous claims of my detractors, Syrian refugees with possible ties to terrorist groups are not the problem! Soft drink consumption is the real problem, and the ultimate threat!"
The President went on to say: "We now know that an explosive device planted inside an insidious soft drink was the culprit that ultimately brought down the Russian airliner in Egypt last month. This tragedy could have been averted if only the Russians had adopted my soft drink strategy and removed these Weapons of Mass Sugarization from their airline menus."
Mr. Obama conceded that he has yet to formulate a coherent strategy to defeat ISIS, but he made it clear that ultimately his soft drink initiative would be the basis of his overall strategy to keep Americans safe and slim.
The President also reassured his audience that while he will allow thousands upon thousands of Syrian refuges to enter the U.S. unhindered, he will move to permanently ban the entry of soft drinks into the U.S.
"While it is true that the names of countless ISIS terrorists are not listed in intelligence databases," Mr Obama said, "we can still communicate verbally with a refugee and use our intuitive powers to determine whether this individual is, or is not, an ISIS terrorist. "However," the President added, "until we can develop the technology that will enable us to verbally communicate with a soft drink beverage, there's no way of determining whether a particular soft drink entering our country is in fact a bomb-free, non-sugary, beverage or, heaven forbid, a Weapon of Mass Sugarization!"