Monday, September 8, 2008

Obama to Pull Out of Race, Sets Timetable for Withdrawal

On the heels of of a new USAToday/Gallup poll showing Sen. John McCain leading his Democratic rival, Barack Obama by 10 percentage points among likely voters and 4 percentage points among registered voters, Barack Obama on Monday told reporters that he would soon withdraw from the Presidential race.

Obama conceded that he had made an egregious error when he decided to run for the Presidency, considering his lack of experience in national politics, but he assured reporters that his planned withdrawal would be executed responsibly and safely.

"This Presidential race is an unwinnable race," Obama said, "it was a grave mistake on my part to send thousands of young campaign workers off to battle when we had little or no chance of winning this election."

"My staff is stretched too thin," he lamented, "many of my staffers have not seen their families since the beginning of this campaign! Hence, I have little choice, but to end this race once and for all."

"But I can assure the American people," Obama continued, "that this withdrawal will be executed responsibly and deliberately, over a period of several weeks. And let me make this perfectly clear, 'I would never jeopardize my fellow Democrats by suddenly pulling out of this race in an abrupt and precarious manner. I will work together with both the enemy and party leaders to make sure the political future of our Party remains safe and secure for generations to come'."

"Effective as of today," Obama said, "I will begin to withdraw from this race, according to the timetable proposed by my campaign staff and former General, Wesley Clark. I realize that many of you do not agree with this decision. Some of you believe that a Presidential withdrawal will only serve to embolden the enemy and leave the Democratic Party vulnerable to a ruthless Republican insurgency. But ultimately, as the current commander in chief of my Party, it is up to me to make such decisions, and I believe I know what is best for my party."

According to sources close to the Obama campaign, Vice Presidential hopeful, Joe Biden expressed vehement opposition to Obama's plan. Biden, instead, proposed dividing the country into two autonomous regions - Democratic and Republican - with Obama and Biden controlling half the country and McCain and Palin the other half. Sources say Obama ultimately rejected this proposal, insisting Biden's plan would weaken the Democratic Party and leave the divided Democratic and Republican regions vulnerable to future attacks from the neighboring Nader regime".

Meanwhile, Senator McCain, while attending a fund-raiser Monday at the igloo of a prominent member of the Alaskan Eskimo community, was asked by reporters to comment on Obama's latest announcement.

"As you are probably aware by now," McCain responded, " I have never subscribed to the policy of surrender. But sometimes you run into a formidable foe with such a compelling argument and such overwhelming force, you simply have no choice but to throw in the towel. I believe Senator Obama is facing that kind of foe right now. Surrender is his only option."

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