Thursday, August 7, 2008

Obama Names New 'Director of Renouncements'

The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report is reporting that Barack Obama has officially named "senior staffer, Ron Vassel as his campaign’s new 'Director of Renouncements'."

Vassel, who had been advising the campaign on White House drapery measurements, will now oversee a state-of-the-art, scalable database indexing all of the supporters from whom Senator Obama has officially distanced himself.

“As the campaign has gone on, we’ve had a harder and harder time keeping up with all the people I’ve had to renounce,” the Illinois Senator said.

”We know it will be even harder after the convention, as more and more of my supporters get caught up in the excitement of the election and make stupid, racist, offensive remarks I’ll have to pretend to be bothered by. Ron will make sure no one falls through the cracks.”

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report is also reporting that Barack Obama has officially tapped Green Bay Packer Great, Brett Favre as his Vice Presidential Running Mate.
Illinois Senator denies receiving $20 million campaign contribution from the Green Bay Packers, says quarterback was his “first choice all along”.

Just one day after returning to training camp, Brett Favre sent shockwaves through the NFL, and then across the country, by announcing he would leave the Green Bay Packers to become Barack Obama’s running mate.

“There’s no way in hell I’ll ride the pine behind Aaron Rodgers,” Favre said at a hastily assembled press conference. ”But it would be an honor to back up this guy.”

Senator Obama said... that putting Favre on the ticket guarantees “the kind of idolatry on the sports page I’m already getting on the front page...”
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And finally, the Carbolic Smoke Ball Report is reporting that Osama Bin Laden's driver, Salim Hamden has been "found guilty of failing to signal a lane change":
Since the offense is a moving violation, three points will be added to Hamden’s driving record. That, combined with the three points he received last year for stoning a promiscuous woman to death after 9 p.m., will mandate that Hamden attend a safe driving program or risk losing his license.
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